Thankfully I can feel myself awakening and coming out of a depression. I guess I'd call it depression. As I come out on the other side it is easier to look back and call it what it was/is.
Without training for an ultra, with my Mom's sickness and death, I suppose depression isn't surprising.
After Mom's passing I found myself looking to others' passions. A family members church, my Dad's passion for Mozart and classical music. Running more. Running away, running to..who cares as long as it makes me feel better and just deal..right? Running long give that openness to myself, to dig deep, to figure it out. I am.
A few weeks ago I reached out to a long time running friend of mine. I don't often reach out to anyone. I prefer to cover myself in my blanket of privacy and isolation. Especially when I'm feeling depressed. I reached out and was asked if I'd like to road trip to the Louisville Lovin' The Hills 50K February 9, in KY. As tears began to drop from my cheeks I new there was only one answer: yes.
I checked in with the family and there was nothing on the calendar. Reaching out like that, stepping from my comfort zone, was the spark to lift the depression. That spark is growing.
Two weeks ago I met a group at Lebanon Hills for an awesome 14 mile run, last week I increased my weekly mileage for the first time since JULY to 45 miles and this past Saturday I ran 22 miles at the Lebanon. It's not *only* the act of running long that has me seeing the light again. It's all that comes with that. Seeing my friends again. You see, when I'm running 5 miles with Topaz each day, I hibernate myself. I love that 5 miles to begin my day, but when I don't get out to socialize at all..it's not good. Pushing my body further. It feels wonderful. It's so good for me to push past comfort, to see what I can do. That 14 miles two weeks ago on hilly trail had me sore for 4 days! This past 22 miles..same trail..I wasn't sore at all and was able to run another 10 yesterday. That just puts a smile on my face. It's drinking water, eating healthy, taking time for me, being happy, taking care of me, adequate rest, smiling, scheduling my runs, enjoying the excitement of a race..the road trip planning. I've really missed it.
As Maria and I ran our final 7 miles yesterday I was thinking about how fast and strong she has become! She was running all the hills-waiting for me at the top-as I trudged up. I used to run hills! I just am not in that shape anymore! It's so inspiring to see how Maria has turned it on this past year. I can do it again, too.
Today it is -14F/-40WC outside. I almost ran on my treadmill until I looked at Topazs' excitement to get out and run. We ran 8 miles and it was just fine.
I'm getting there. Slowly but Surely! I'm getting there.